I can't promise this is going to be a funny post (unless you think fat people are funny)

You know what happens if you are lazy and eat whatever you want for a couple of years? Yeah, you get fat. Who knew, right? Someone should really tell people that.

The last few months of 2009 were the last time I was regularly in the gym. And I was doing great. I don't know what happened. It only takes a couple days of skipping the gym to get back into full sloth mode -- at least for me. I certainly wasn't thin back then, but I was working toward the goal of weighing less than a newborn elephant.

I was thin as a kid. I played outside and ran around and rode my bike all over the neighborhood. When I got into high school I was on the drill team for four years (insert embarrassing picture here). I wasn't fat but I was bigger than a lot of the girls I danced with. I certainly had a larger waist and "personality" than most of them. , I'm shaped more like an apple and carry weight mostly in my stomach and chest. Of course, when you weigh this much, it's pretty much everywhere.

The last time I weighed less than 200 pounds was probably 2008. I was going to the gym regularly and counting calories. I certainly wasn't skinny but I looked good. It makes me want to cry a little to see this picture now. Look how skinny my arm was! And that shirt wasn't from the plus size section. Ack!

Aggie Football game 2008

But I regressed into laziness and fatness once again. There aren't any excuses for this. Just me being lazy and liking to eat delicious food. This picture is from February. I think I see three chins. I don't have a wider shot to show you because like most people that get out of breath getting dressed in the morning, I avoid photos. You can certainly see the extra 50 pounds in my face though.

Feb 26, 2011 - BBQ Cookoff

Anyway, the point of this post wasn't to wallow in self pity but to talk about how I'm going to change it. Last week I unwrapped a Jillian Michaels DVD that someone gave me in December. Of 2009. Yeah, lazy.

Still in the plastic wrap

So, I'm working out. It's been a week and I've worked out three times. Definitely not as much as I should have, but I'm doing it. I know it'll help with lots of things, not just weight. I am sleeping terribly and grumpy and a little depressed. I think I might get a yoga DVD to do every other day. Jillian knows about getting in shape but she's a little too advanced for me right now. Plus I'd like to be able to touch my toes again.

It's kind of funny now to look back at what I thought was fat when I was in college. I had no idea. Dumb college kids!

Overheard in my office (and by overhead, I mean read in my email)

Background: I work at a graduate school in the admissions office and I've been working crazy hours for the last six months partly because our process is antiquated and it needs an update. We just started working on our new online application.

Paraphrased convo I had via email at work:
Coworker #1: Hey, could you two edit the newsletter draft this afternoon?
Me: I'm happy to take a look. I have a meeting about the new online app from 1-3 (YAY!) though so any time after that is good.
Coworker #2: Congrats on your meeting. I know you are excited.
Me: uhm, yeah. It's pretty much the most exciting thing going on in my life.

And I wasn't even kidding! How did I become such a freaking grown up?  Or a sad, sad individual depending on your point of view.

It's going to be a lot of work for some of my favorite people but it will be awesome when it's over. I seriously might do cartwheels down the hall when this is all finished. I just hope I don't break a hip and that no one video tapes it and puts it on YouTube because it's been about 15 years since I've done a cartwheel and no one needs to see that.

The only other semi-exciting thing going on is that one of my favorite bloggers, The Bloggess, chose my comment as the "comment of the day" yesterday. I debating even bringing this up because it's probably nerdy and lame to be as excited as I am, but then I remembered I am nerdy and lame and said fuck it. You can read my totally insightful, world-changing comment here.

Shocking news: People on the internet are weird

I love checking my blogger stats. It makes me feel loved if anyone reads it and that actually makes me want to update it more often. Maybe it's because I'm a middle child or maybe everyone feels the same way but I want people to like me. If they don't, that's cool too. But I find myself very funny and entertaining and want other people to feel the same way.

Lots of people get here from comments I make on other blogs (hi!) and from my twitter page because I post a link when I update this blog.

The stats page also shows if people searched on Google or another search engine and the phrases they used to get here. A couple of them make no sense. I am pretty sure I've never blogged about Depeche Mode but someone found this blog by googling it. I did have a dream about David Bowie a while back but I think that's the only music-related post on here.

Someone stumbled upon a post about me accidentally drinking vodka on the treadmill by searching "head hurt vodka." I hope they weren't looking for hangover remedies or explanations of why vodka makes your head hurt.

Sandpaper pedicure is actually a pretty popular search string that leads people here (to a post about how my cat licks my feet). I'm guessing people are looking for tips to get rid of calluses. I do not like feet so there is no way I'm going to google to find out.

I was going to post more about this but I got too lazy to finish.

UPDATE: Another thing people search is "overall jorts" which leads to a post about some awesomely dressed guys at an A&M football game. But if you put that into GIS now, it brings up my profile picture from this blog next to a picture of those guys. HILARIOUS!

Yippee ki yay, motherf***kers! (Or how to enjoy Texas stereotypes)

I've lived in Texas my entire life, always within 100 miles of Houston. I listen to some country music and have ridden a horse a couple of times a few decades ago but I don't have big hair like the TV show Dallas circa 1983 or own a gun. In fact, I've never even shot a gun, so I'm not exactly what you'd call a country girl. But I absolutely love the BBQ Cookoff weekend that precedes the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo.

If you've stumbled upon this blog from somewhere other than stalking me personally, then you probably know very little about HLSR. It's basically a rodeo competition (bull riding, roping, barrel racing, etc) mixed with a carnival, art show, livestock show, craft fair, concerts and food. Lots and lots of food (turkey leg or deep fried Oreo anyone?). The rodeo is a huge three-week event in Houston and the main goal is to raise money for college scholarships. More than 24,000 people volunteer throughout the year to help facilitate the whole thing. (I was one of those 24,000 the past few years but I just couldn't swing it this year with work being so crazy and me being such a lazy ass. The first show is tonight and I know I'll miss a good time.)

The Friday before the rodeo starts is Go Texan Day and everyone in Houston is encouraged to dress up in their cowboy and cowgirl best. Now, prior to the being on the committee, I didn't own any western wear at all. I bought some boots and wear them with a pair of jeans and a button down. These boots are the most expensive shoes I own, by a long shot. But when you have to be on your feet for hours, you need something that's comfy. I always dress up for Go Texan Day because it's the only day of the year where I can wear jeans to work.

Anyway, the weekend before the rodeo starts is the World Championship Bar-B-Que Contest (referred to as "cookoff" by all the cool people) and it's basically a giant party. It's open to the public but really the only way to go is if you have access to a private party, which are held in giant tents. My awesome friend/Super Woman Reneé is a sponsor for one of the cooking teams and a few years ago she invited all of us internet nerds to go with her. We pay a small fee and it includes all of the food and drinks we can handle in that tent. All of the money raised helps with scholarships so I like to call it "drinking for charity." Reneé lives close to Reliant so several girls and I spend the weekend at her house. It's an insane amount of fun.

The cookoff is what I assume most people think Texas is like. I've never lived outside of Texas but I have come across many people that are from other states and countries in my 32 years and it's kind of funny to hear their ideas of what they expected Texas to be like. Houston is the fourth largest city in the United States, so no, we don't ride horses to work and school. Texas is a huge, diverse state so there are more "country" areas than Houston of course but it's still a very modern place.

Cookoff weekend is stereotypically Texas though. This year, a record-breaking 244,184 people were at the cookoff Thursday-Saturday wearing their cowboy hats, boots, giant belt buckles, turquoise jewelry and jeans. There is tons of yummy bbq to eat and beer and liquor to drink. And there is people watching galore. It is amazing what people will wear and what they will do after a couple of ribs and a few Miller Lites.

On Saturday we walked out to the public stage where they have concerts to see Cory Morrow (who should never, ever rap) and there were several girls wearing late 1980s style denim dresses. No ma'am! And then there were the bumpits .

Bump, bump, bump it up!

There is also ample opportunity to drink too much and act silly. Luckily for me I wasn't on designated driver duty. This picture is from Saturday night. The tent we were in ran out of beer. So, I'm drinking bourbon and vodka (not mixed together but with water in each. Our friend Kristen drove down from Ft. Worth this year to go with us and she at one point decided she didn't want to hold two cups, so she poured the bourbon and water into the vodka and water. She said on Sunday that was a bad idea. No shit?)  I added a retro theme to this picture to cover up the fact that I'm swearing profusely. The last few years it has been freezing-ass cold during cookoff weekend. This year the weather was awesome but it was humid like only Houston can do humid.

Bottoms up, bottoms up!

If you ever have the opportunity to go to the cookoff, DO IT! And make sure to wear comfy shoes, take a camera (I took like 3 pictures with my iphone. I'm not a good cameraman. The other girls took some pictures but haven't sent them/posted them on Facebook yet) and be prepared to wash your hair 30 times to get rid of the BBQ smoke smell. After washing my hair three times, it still smells like a mixture of smoke and coconut shampoo.

My cat is an asshole

I'm the kind of person that talks a lot. I think that's why I love social media so much. I have opinions on everything, including what you had for lunch and what yo

Anyway, I live alone and sometimes I talk to my cats, especially Pan, because he does annoying stuff. I hope my neighbors don't think I have a kid or they are going to call CPS. Things I've said to Pan in the last few days:

"I will punch you in the face if you don't sit down or go away."
"Why are you such an asshole?"
"Stop smelling her butt"
"Shut up or I'll open the front door and kick you out"

Pan can be rather obnoxious. He drinks out of the toilet, messing with the blinds in the window, meows all the time, headbutts me when I'm not paying him enough attention and rips open the bread bag if I leave it out. But he's loving and cuddly and I wouldn't really punch him in the face.

As I was typing this, he crawled into my lap and is now purring.

My other cat, Katana, thinks he's an asshole too. He'll walk by and she'll just slap him in the back of the head.  This picture pretty much shows how she feels:

Say Uncle

Not even a prehistoric fish eating a detached penis could save this piece of shit

Normally I type a bunch of crap no one cares about and then I give the blog posting a title. But last night I was making a list of things I might want to talk about on my iPod and I remembered we watched the worst movie EVER a couple weekends ago: Piranha 3D (which wasn't in 3D at the house but that would have probably made it even worse). So today, I started with the title and let me tell you, nothing could save this piece of shit.

My mom has always loved horror movies and my sisters and I were allowed to watch all kinds horror movies as kids. From black and white giant ants to Johnny Deep's blood, guts  and TV shooting out of a bed in Nightmare on Elm Street (awesome clip here)  my childhood is full of horror movie memories. One of the ones we watched any time it was on TV was 1978's Piranha. Flesh eating fish that kill people and ruin summer vacations? Sign me up!

I did a search to find out when Piranha was released and came across a trailer on youtube. Considering I was born in 1978, I didn't see the trailer or the movie when it was released and it certainly didn't get better with age but it's at the same time it's totally awesome. This line pretty much sums up the whole movie "they were unleashed into America’s waterways to turn quiet streams into rivers of living death." Uhm, fuck yeah!

Since no one has any original movie ideas any more, Piranha was remade and stars Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell, Ving Rhames, the non-vampire guy from Vampire Diaries whose name I don't know but is Steve McQueen's grandson and a bunch of  other familiar faces. Even Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher Lloyd have small parts.

We watch a lot of movies when I spend time with my sisters and we for sure wanted to see this one if only to relive a piece of our childhood. And it wasn't available for rent yet on the Apple TV my sister and brother in law are now the proud owners of it. Oops.

It was for sure the worst movie ever. I can totally handle gratuitous nudity and violence but that's all this movie had. The plot was stupid,  the places where they put "cool" stuff to make it look good in 3D were dumb, and fish weren't even cool. The fish were living in a cave underwater and are thought to be extinct until an earthquake opens up the cave and they all escape into the lake. Everyone was naked. The fish attacked a big breasted girl and her implants just floated away. Apparently man-eating fish are not a fan of fake tits.

I think my sister's comment "This is like Jaws, but not good" pretty much sums it up.

(I guess I should put spoiler alert for anyone that stumbles across this blood looking for a review so SPOILER ALERT. Although the blog title will give this part away.)

Jerry O'Connell basically plays Joe Francis and gets partially eaten while on a boat filming two naked chicks swimming. He is barely alive with no legs or arms they pull him out of the water for a bit. I forget exactly what happens but he gets back into the water and his penis is severed and floating. In the media room at my sister's house this penis was about two feet long. I imagine at the theater is was people-sized and floating toward you in 3D. And then a giant prehistoric piranha jumps up and eats the penis.Yes, I just said "eats the penis."

It wasn't funny bad, it was just bad. It was worse than any Jennifer Lopez movie I've ever seen. And I hate Jennifer Lopez movies.* (Asterisk added because I do love Selena but it's the only good J-Lo movie I've ever seen.)

On the other hand we watched Secretariat and Easy A which were both very good movies. I thought Easy A looked kind of dumb but it was funny and entertaining .And of course Secretariat made me cry because Disney is full of sadists. About three minutes into the movie I was like "uhm, are we supposed to be crying already?" but it was an excellent film.

Hi, my name is Karen, and I'm addicted to Facebook

I decided to take a week off from "social networking" after a friend of mine posted on Facebook on New Year's Eve that she was going to take a month off of Facebook and she'd see us in a month. She made it 26 days before signing back on. I don't know if she felt like she failed but I found it pretty impressive she made it that long.

I spend way too much time on the internet, reading Facebook, posting on message boards, tweeting and even playing several games on Facebook.

I obviously didn't count this blog as part of my social network since I'm here. I did count all message boards, Facebook and Twitter. Email, Googling and blogs are all allowed. I posted a message on my FB wall on Saturday letting everyone know I'd be gone. I'm sure some of my "friends" think it was kind of an attention whore thing to do but I'm online a lot. And after being a way a couple of days of not posting, people start asking me what's going on. Which pretty much proves my point that I spend too much time on there!

I signed off around 7 p.m. Saturday night and I've easily found other things to do. (Maybe this experiment will finally get me blogging regularly?) I spent more time working, more time hanging out with my family and more time reading. I also did some online shopping at Target.com today. I'm not sure if that's a plus or a minus yet.

It's kind of sad how much time I spend on those things. And how connected I am. I went ahead and turned off all notifications from Facebook and deleted the app from my phone. Maybe that will also help my phone from committing suicide. It's got a date with an executioner scheduled on February 25 and I can't let it go until  then.

As of day two, I consider it a success. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have something more interesting to talk about.