Thursday, February 10, 2011

Not even a prehistoric fish eating a detached penis could save this piece of shit

Normally I type a bunch of crap no one cares about and then I give the blog posting a title. But last night I was making a list of things I might want to talk about on my iPod and I remembered we watched the worst movie EVER a couple weekends ago: Piranha 3D (which wasn't in 3D at the house but that would have probably made it even worse). So today, I started with the title and let me tell you, nothing could save this piece of shit.

My mom has always loved horror movies and my sisters and I were allowed to watch all kinds horror movies as kids. From black and white giant ants to Johnny Deep's blood, guts  and TV shooting out of a bed in Nightmare on Elm Street (awesome clip here)  my childhood is full of horror movie memories. One of the ones we watched any time it was on TV was 1978's Piranha. Flesh eating fish that kill people and ruin summer vacations? Sign me up!

I did a search to find out when Piranha was released and came across a trailer on youtube. Considering I was born in 1978, I didn't see the trailer or the movie when it was released and it certainly didn't get better with age but it's at the same time it's totally awesome. This line pretty much sums up the whole movie "they were unleashed into America’s waterways to turn quiet streams into rivers of living death." Uhm, fuck yeah!

Since no one has any original movie ideas any more, Piranha was remade and stars Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell, Ving Rhames, the non-vampire guy from Vampire Diaries whose name I don't know but is Steve McQueen's grandson and a bunch of  other familiar faces. Even Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher Lloyd have small parts.

We watch a lot of movies when I spend time with my sisters and we for sure wanted to see this one if only to relive a piece of our childhood. And it wasn't available for rent yet on the Apple TV my sister and brother in law are now the proud owners of it. Oops.

It was for sure the worst movie ever. I can totally handle gratuitous nudity and violence but that's all this movie had. The plot was stupid,  the places where they put "cool" stuff to make it look good in 3D were dumb, and fish weren't even cool. The fish were living in a cave underwater and are thought to be extinct until an earthquake opens up the cave and they all escape into the lake. Everyone was naked. The fish attacked a big breasted girl and her implants just floated away. Apparently man-eating fish are not a fan of fake tits.

I think my sister's comment "This is like Jaws, but not good" pretty much sums it up.

(I guess I should put spoiler alert for anyone that stumbles across this blood looking for a review so SPOILER ALERT. Although the blog title will give this part away.)

Jerry O'Connell basically plays Joe Francis and gets partially eaten while on a boat filming two naked chicks swimming. He is barely alive with no legs or arms they pull him out of the water for a bit. I forget exactly what happens but he gets back into the water and his penis is severed and floating. In the media room at my sister's house this penis was about two feet long. I imagine at the theater is was people-sized and floating toward you in 3D. And then a giant prehistoric piranha jumps up and eats the penis.Yes, I just said "eats the penis."

It wasn't funny bad, it was just bad. It was worse than any Jennifer Lopez movie I've ever seen. And I hate Jennifer Lopez movies.* (Asterisk added because I do love Selena but it's the only good J-Lo movie I've ever seen.)

On the other hand we watched Secretariat and Easy A which were both very good movies. I thought Easy A looked kind of dumb but it was funny and entertaining .And of course Secretariat made me cry because Disney is full of sadists. About three minutes into the movie I was like "uhm, are we supposed to be crying already?" but it was an excellent film.


  1. I think I really need to see this movie now. I know this is not the reaction you meant to provoke, but the thought of a those implants floating away makes me chuckle. I love awful movies!

  2. This is the most brilliant title ever! I don't know how I will successfully use this in my every day conversations, but I will TRY!

  3. Oh, it's SOOOO awful. It will keep you laughing for sure. I would suggest getting it from Red Box for a dollar.

    me: Please let me know if you successfully work it into a conversation and the reactions of the people you are talking to!