Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I'm just a girl who has struggled with life

I'm not sure I know what happy feels like. I've felt good and fine and sad and depressed. But I'm not sure I can pinpoint a time in my life where I would say I was happy. That's not to say that I'm continually depressed, I am not. I just feel kind of "there" most of the time. Although maybe I am looking for something that doesn't exist. Maybe the absence of depression is happy? I don't know.

This blog entry isn't meant to cause any worry about my mental state. I'm not currently depressed, in the clinical sense. I'm sad. And depression is on my mind a lot right now. A friend of mine took her own life two weeks ago. She and I had several conversations about depression and suicide. We commiserated in the bad things that were happening in our lives over the last 5-6 years. I've been on antidepressants and seen a therapist. This year I've anxiety-induced chest pains. She knew she could talk to me honestly about things.

Sara and I met through an Aggie message board years ago. We rarely saw each other in person but we chatted and texted back and forth several times a week. Mostly about non-important stuff like TV shows and queso. She said nothing in the last few months that worried me. But it turns out she wasn't been very truthful with me the last few months. And although I know I shouldn't feel guilty, I do. I finally had some good news in my life. I got a big promotion at work. So I wonder if she didn't share her bad news because of my good.

Sara was funny and bright and smart and we had a lot in common. It's hard to type "was" when discussing her. A few times in the last two weeks I've wanted to text her about something that I know would make her laugh or interest her. And I can't bring myself to delete the texts between us. I was kind of hoping that when I set up my new phone on Friday it wouldn't transfer the texts. When I scroll down looking for something, I see her name. And one of the last texts she sent me was "I'm a horrible friend...how'd your first week go??" That is what really tears at my soul.

And I know in my brain that shouldn't make me feel bad, but it does. It makes my heart hurt that she didn't talk to me about what was going on in her life the last few months. It's still a fresh wound so everything reminds me of Sara: Diet Coke, HEB, blue Mustangs, Sonic Grilled Cheese, Vampire Diaries, Crown Royal, etc.

This blog has been quiet lately because I haven't had much time to spend writing and haven't felt very funny with all of "life" getting in the way. Five or six people regularly read it. The other page hits come from random Google searches. If any of you are here reading now because of a random search about sandpaper pedicures and are struggling with life, please know that no matter how bad it seems, you should talk to someone. A friend, a parent, a stranger on the internet. The internet can be a hateful place but it's also a great way to connect with people outside your geographical area that are like you. And trust me, there are plenty of people like you out there.

Sometimes it does look like there is only one way out. I never quite felt that way. A little piece of hope always was there but I can see how quickly that could have changed. And although I can't sit here and say I'm happy every day and that everything is amazing, I am still here. And my family and friends are happy about that. Things are better than they were 5 or 10 years ago. There are some great places to get help. Please reach out to someone. I know it's easy to say, especially when you're not depressed. But one conversation about how you're feeling can start the process of changing your life.

I wish Sara was still around to read this. I wish I'd been more proactive in asking how she was doing and not just chatting about teenage vampire shows and chocolate wine. I wish a lot of things but really, I wish I could still pick up my phone and talk to her.


Talk to a trained professional: 

Read a blog by someone else that struggles:

World Suicide Prevention Day was earlier this month: 

If nothing else, email me. I'm not a trained professional. I'm just a girl who has struggled in the past wanting everyone else to make it through. Maybe just writing down how you feel will start the process of getting help: