Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I'm just a girl who has struggled with life

I'm not sure I know what happy feels like. I've felt good and fine and sad and depressed. But I'm not sure I can pinpoint a time in my life where I would say I was happy. That's not to say that I'm continually depressed, I am not. I just feel kind of "there" most of the time. Although maybe I am looking for something that doesn't exist. Maybe the absence of depression is happy? I don't know.

This blog entry isn't meant to cause any worry about my mental state. I'm not currently depressed, in the clinical sense. I'm sad. And depression is on my mind a lot right now. A friend of mine took her own life two weeks ago. She and I had several conversations about depression and suicide. We commiserated in the bad things that were happening in our lives over the last 5-6 years. I've been on antidepressants and seen a therapist. This year I've anxiety-induced chest pains. She knew she could talk to me honestly about things.

Sara and I met through an Aggie message board years ago. We rarely saw each other in person but we chatted and texted back and forth several times a week. Mostly about non-important stuff like TV shows and queso. She said nothing in the last few months that worried me. But it turns out she wasn't been very truthful with me the last few months. And although I know I shouldn't feel guilty, I do. I finally had some good news in my life. I got a big promotion at work. So I wonder if she didn't share her bad news because of my good.

Sara was funny and bright and smart and we had a lot in common. It's hard to type "was" when discussing her. A few times in the last two weeks I've wanted to text her about something that I know would make her laugh or interest her. And I can't bring myself to delete the texts between us. I was kind of hoping that when I set up my new phone on Friday it wouldn't transfer the texts. When I scroll down looking for something, I see her name. And one of the last texts she sent me was "I'm a horrible friend...how'd your first week go??" That is what really tears at my soul.

And I know in my brain that shouldn't make me feel bad, but it does. It makes my heart hurt that she didn't talk to me about what was going on in her life the last few months. It's still a fresh wound so everything reminds me of Sara: Diet Coke, HEB, blue Mustangs, Sonic Grilled Cheese, Vampire Diaries, Crown Royal, etc.

This blog has been quiet lately because I haven't had much time to spend writing and haven't felt very funny with all of "life" getting in the way. Five or six people regularly read it. The other page hits come from random Google searches. If any of you are here reading now because of a random search about sandpaper pedicures and are struggling with life, please know that no matter how bad it seems, you should talk to someone. A friend, a parent, a stranger on the internet. The internet can be a hateful place but it's also a great way to connect with people outside your geographical area that are like you. And trust me, there are plenty of people like you out there.

Sometimes it does look like there is only one way out. I never quite felt that way. A little piece of hope always was there but I can see how quickly that could have changed. And although I can't sit here and say I'm happy every day and that everything is amazing, I am still here. And my family and friends are happy about that. Things are better than they were 5 or 10 years ago. There are some great places to get help. Please reach out to someone. I know it's easy to say, especially when you're not depressed. But one conversation about how you're feeling can start the process of changing your life.

I wish Sara was still around to read this. I wish I'd been more proactive in asking how she was doing and not just chatting about teenage vampire shows and chocolate wine. I wish a lot of things but really, I wish I could still pick up my phone and talk to her.


Talk to a trained professional: 

Read a blog by someone else that struggles:

World Suicide Prevention Day was earlier this month: 

If nothing else, email me. I'm not a trained professional. I'm just a girl who has struggled in the past wanting everyone else to make it through. Maybe just writing down how you feel will start the process of getting help:

Thursday, May 31, 2012

I'm going (I mean, I went) to Disney World!

Earlier this month I was at Walt Disney World for a week with my entire family. Parents, sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces and nephews. We had an absolute blast. We rode rides, went to the pool, and ate. A lot.

Since this is a lazy blog and I'm extra lazy these days, this will mostly be food pictures of all the yummy stuff you can eat at Disney World and pictures of Cinderella's Castle. (By the way, I'm extra lazy because I have actually been going to the gym but that's another blog post.)

Before we left on our early flight to Orlando, my BIL picked up some Shipley Do-Nuts and made sure they were in the Disney spirit.

Delicious indeed!

First off, how come no one told me about Dole Whip before we went to Disney in 2010? I probably would have ate it every day then too. If you aren't familiar with Dole Whip, it's pineapple soft serve ice cream and it's heavenly. You can get it at Disney World, Disneyland and in Hawaii at the Dole Plantation.

I've been saying Dole Whip like Stewie says Cool Whip

I'm normally not a huge dessert person. I'd rather eat meat and potatoes and cheese. But I defnitely had my share at Disney.

Mickey ice cream bar

We had Mickey waffles and yummy dinners. My favorite meal might have been at the Polynesian. We had breakfast complete with Kona coffee served in a French press. My choice was pulled pork hash with hollandaise and poached eggs. It was amazing.

Besides taking pictures of my food, I took probably 20 pictures of the Castle. I was obsessed! It's just so pretty, especially at night. We had lunch inside the castle one day. It was so neat.

Cinderella's Castle

Instagram Castle

Castle at night
I never went to Disney World as a kid but I think even if I had, I'd still have as much fun as I did as a grown up. It was amazing and exhausting and I can't wait to go back.

Monday, May 14, 2012

I have a really good excuse this time ...

Not that I need one. I mean, I put that I was lazy right in the name of the blog so it shouldn't come as a shock when I don't blog for a couple of weeks. I mean, months.

I moved in March and we haven't had internet access at home so it's been more difficult to update the blog. I sometimes blog from work (shocking) but it's been very busy there too. I found a few minutes to pop in and say hello.

I need to go through the pictures and write a post about the trip to Disney World I took with my family earlier this month. We had an amazing time and I really did not want to come back to work. But it turns out I'm a total control freak at work and when I'm not here, I feel like things won't be done correctly.  Of course, when I got back to work last Wednesday, something wasn't done that I expected so it kind of reinforced the control freakiness. I think this is what being a grown up must feel like.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Great Scott! They are making a sequel.

(No, not Back to the Future.)

The last Piranha movie was so horrible I wrote a blog post about it. You can read it here.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up seeing the 3DD version because I'm a glutton for punishment. And based on the trailer, they aren't taking themselves so seriously this time so it's possible I might enjoy it. I mean, the title is 3 DD. This version stars Christopher Lloyd and David Hasselhoff and a bunch of other people.

I moved (again) and there is a Studio Movie Grill down the street. This looks like a movie that would be much better with beer!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I'm going to go ahead and change my name to Monet

I never took art in school. I can't draw a stick figure worth a crap and I hated coloring as a child. I didn't have the patience to color in the lines when I could finish it quickly and move onto something more fun like talking. I know there are several report cards out there that mention I talked to much in elementary school. In my defense, I finished my work first.

Anyway, my friend Rene√® had bought some groupon-like vouchers for one of those wine/art studio painting classes and asked if wanted to go. I have been wanting to try one after seeing some friend's paintings on Facebook. We went to Vino Artino a few weeks ago to paint bluebonnets. Rene√® brought some yummy salted chocolate and malbec. I love malbec but my brain does not so I only had about a glass to keep from having a migraine.

I have to say, I am impressed with how my painting came out. And it's 90% due to the very specific instructions we were given. The instructor told us how much paint to mix with other colors, which brush to use and when to add water to keep the paint from thickening.

Below is a photo essay of my attempt at painting this:

The professional version

We started with painting the sky and grass. I was pretty impressed with myself at this point. Those clouds? They are awesome.

Next we were supposed to make some bushes and a little hill. This is where I started to doubt my ability to paint.

The "hill" looks like a smashed bush. And the bush is just ugly.
Trees seem like they would be easy. Just draw some lines. My tree looked like it survived Hurricane Ike.

Hurricane Tree

Grass/chicken scratch

After we added some grass we added some plants at the bottom of the page. You can seem them in the later pictures. Then we moved on to my favorite part. We added the leaves to the tree. It was fun to add the different colors and layer them and use fun brush strokes.

Happy tree!
At this point, we moved on to the windmill and barn. I was pretty sure my painting was ruined at this point.

What did I do?
It looked a little better after I filled in the barn and added some shading to the windmill.

Now it's time to start Texas-ing up the thing and adding the bluebonnets.

All done!


I thought about signing my name in the corner but I am pretty sure that would have turned into a big globby mess. I definitely want to go to another class though! It was a lot of fun and I have a cool painting.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Lake house laziness

I spent the weekend at Lake Livingston being a complete and total lazy ass and it was amazing. Unfortunately I had to work Friday until 6:30 so I missed night one of Girls Weekend. I drove up straight from work on Friday though and did my best to make up from it. I'm pretty sure my liver is in shape for Vegas now (I fly out February 18).  My goal for 2012 is to spend more time doing fun stuff and less time working. Girls weekend was the beginning of that. I have trips to Vegas and Disney World planned for the next several months.

View from where I was reading by the water, drink in hand

Since I'm too lazy to type up anything witty or funny, here are some pics. I haven't gotten over my Instagram obsession yet, by the way.

View from the porch 

Test tube shooters that tasted like medicine

Beautiful sunset

Laura Tebowing and me Fostering

Monday, January 2, 2012

I'm going to attempt to be less lazy. We'll see how it goes.

I cannot believe it's 2012. Especially since I have yet to see a flying car. 

I'm going to try to not be so lazy in 2012. With blogging, with cleaning, with taking care of myself. All those things that people resolve to change every year. I quit making specific resolutions a few years ago because they seem to only set me up for failure. I try to make general improvements in my life each year.  Some are easier than others and some I never quite accomplish.

This year, being less lazy is going to be the general mission. I have goals in mind and will try to work toward them, without being so critical of myself if I fail. 

Happy New Year everyone!